March 5, 2014

How To: Be British

As you all know I am currently living in the city of magical unicorns and rainbows aka London. As I have been here for 2 months now I believe that gives me the privilege, nay, the right to help those of you who would like to be British in a fabulous "How To" blog post. You can thank me later. Ooops,  I mean "Cheers".

Step 1: Complain about the weather. If it's sunny make sure you go outside.
Step 2: Wear black. This rule applies only if you are in central London, venture outside those great historical pigeon pooped on walls and you may be able to wear gray. But make it a charcoal gray.
Step 3: Escalators. Okay amateurs, the trick here is to stand to the right and not on the left. If you would like to be trampled and cursed at by a bunch of impatient and bustling british folk then yes, by all means stand on the left. The left is for walking not for talking.
Step 4: Any time is tea time.
Step 5: When on the tube, do not talk higher than a whisper to your friends. If you reach a volume that human ears can hear clearly, you will be glared at and immediately put into the "American Tourist" category.
Step 6: Do not smile at passerby's on the street.
Step 7: We join "queues" here not "lines".
Step 8: When approaching a cross walk, look to the right first then the left.
Step 9: When speaking about clothing you are wearing these are their names:
                 -Sweater= Jumper
                 -Jeans/Pants=Jeans/Trousers
                 -Sneakers=Trainers
                 -Tank Top=Vest Top
                 -Underwear=Pants
Step 10: Don't feel the need to wait for the crossing man sign to turn green in order to cross the road. If there is at least a 10 second gap between you and another car, GO FOR IT! CROSS THE ROAD. Yah chicken.
Step 11: When drinking with friends you buy rounds, not single drinks for yourself.
Step 12: Don't be afraid to use coins to pay for things. Other wise your wallet/purse/pockets will be weighted down BY A LOT OF POUNDS....get it?? get it?? I'm puny.
Step 13: The more 90's grunge your clothing looks, the cooler you are.
Step 14: Repeat Step 4. 
Step 15: Brill. Lovely. Wicked. Smashed it. These are all compliment words.
Step 16: Buy a dog. Take that dog for a walk. Sans leash. The dog is british, it will follow you and behave properly. Like no barking. And no running off. You don't need a trainer to help you, there is something in the doggie dish, the dogs are perfect here....still CATS ARE BETTER.
Step 17: If you are a female, wear a lot of makeup. Like cake yo' face in that stuff yo'.
Step 18: Replace water with alcohol.
Step 19: Always prepare your bag with the essentials for any weather possibilities. Umbrella, gloves, sunglasses. YOU NEVER KNOW HERE.

I am missing tens of thousands of steps, so this is just Part 1 to How To: Be British.


3 comments:

The Susielusie said...

HAHA too funny!

Matt Brown said...

I loved this post! Mainly because I'm British myself and can vouch for every one of those. I found your blog through a link to a link which brought me here. Keep posting, you're funny!

If you want to, could you please check out my blog over at www [dot] nursematt [dot] blogspot [dot] com

Cheers x

Katie said...

Oh thank you so much! I'll go check your blog out :)